One Fell Swoop
and it looked like everyone was having fun
Hi Friends!!~~
The past week or so has been difficult. I feel like a little kid and when I fall I don’t cry unless someone’s reaction makes me scared, so people have been scaring me. Because I never know if I’m being a coward or a hero, I am scaring myself. Most of November I was waiting for things to dry. I started a lot of things and I am happy. I bought a new fragrance. I like it a lot.
On Thanksgiving my Dad told me Grandpa had an 8mm roll of Disney’s Sleeping Beauty. No sound (obvi) and just of the part where Prince Philip is escaping Maleficent’s castle and fights her as a dragon. He said growing up that was all he saw of Sleeping Beauty. He said he doesn’t know where my Grandpa got a copy of it (strange family lore / mystery).
Right now there are many crows in Baltimore. There is bird shit everywhere and the crows get really loud right before the sun comes up. It feels like they want something. By the time the sky is blue they have stopped completely. I think lately I look a lot like an owl. My hair is the longest it has ever been. When I pull it all over one shoulder I feel like a music note.
I think the more silence in conversation the better and vice versa. I think being trans is like being a guinea pig. I am not sure if I’m trans but that won’t stop me from being a girl when I feel like it. Like whatever cause I’ve also been thinking a lot about how fun it is to be someone’s boyfriend because of this song. I think art is very important. It pokes fun at all the ways we fill our holes. Everyone I know is dating someone right now. It is funny when I am at a gathering and everyone is kissing or missing someone.
I am probably about to make a lot of art that has penises. Julia Fox says penises are weapons so women should carry guns and I found this very upsetting for multiple reasons, but I think I could spend a lifetime trying to undo that perception. I blame porn 😔 I think it is so funny cause anatomically speaking it is the part of us that is most vulnerable. So why is it not the same for us emotionally? I should clarify, I really am talking about changing the way people with penises view their penis cause that is the root of the issue. I never went to school as a kid and the first time I was around a bunch of boys we had a penis measuring contest. Why? I do not know. I have been lead to believe this is normal and so is the shame. Let’s not shy away from the penis! (lol)
I have been holding onto this song very tightly—like are you reading those lyrics? “I wanted peace of mind, I wanted a place I could be proud of.” It was used in an old Coca-Cola commercial. I believe pop music will save the planet <3 So often it doesn’t make any sense when you really pay attention to the lyrics yet you still feel something. Take for example, what I would crown as the best POP song of 2024:
What is a “Cherry Bye Bye”? Who cares cause I feel like I am a movie star. I think there was a big part of my teenage years where I was afraid of escapism (because I wanted action and adulthood) but that is what all the best pop is and dreams are actually how we build the world. Every time I escaped I came back with dreams.
Truly cynical definition and cynicism is sooooo anti-pop 👎👎
Anyways, that song is completely GOAT’ed from the start. Cause what do you mean, “I never really knew who you were, but I know I’ll find out one day from some other girl.” Like that is so heartbreaking I could throw up, but Ren G just needs “20 minutes” to think it over. Like that is perfection. I think the best pop tells us we aren’t defined by our past. That is what dreams are made of and that is not a bad thing. All the better we can never have it. The human part of me craves impossibility and I believe in miracles.
One of the reasons I chose “infinite crush” as the name for this blog is because it sounds like a soda pop. Isn’t it cool our blood cells are covered in sugar? Very human angel. The year is almost over so I ask, “Have I bled enough?” Someone said to me, “I like it when you make my coffee; you make it nice and sweet.” I have been writing in my journal a lot. I keep waking up to my head resting on it like a pillow. I like to write in bed and stare at the wall with no music on and just daydream. When I was little and did anything, I would think about how it must be so good for my brain (reading, puzzles, drawing, etc). When I sit without my phone and no music, I think about how it must be so good for my brain. Time feels very different without any BPM, and I don’t wish for this day to pass.
Today I pictured my thoughts coming and going like tiny clouds just above my head filled with fruit and when I saw one I liked I would grab it and then write the idea down. Nothing fancy. I wrote down “Strawberry Christmas” like okay girl, and then I woke up an hour later. I have 4 pages left. Sometimes I like to get all bundled up and go to the park. I wrote something the other day that feels like my NOV:
I feel like before I go home / I should get something to eat for later.
I have been taking good care of myself. I hope you have been too. I don’t go out much lately, but when I do, I usually see someone I know walking about and I pray 🙏💕.
I read something somewhere where someone said something along the lines of— “I have gotten old and really good at denying myself.” I think that is bad and the crux of my coward/hero problem.
Much Love!!
Thomas (Alice)
